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Escape Plan



Actors: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jim Caviezel, Amy Ryan, Vinnie Jones, Sam Neill, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson
Director: Mikael Håfström
Length: 115 minutes
Release Date: October 18, 2013
Genre: ,
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It's got charm


It's a by the numbers action movie

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Ladies and Gentlemen !spoiler alert! you’re going to die. Maybe not right now but soon and for the rest of your life, maybe . . . that’s up for debate. If you’re lucky it’ll be quick or in your sleep. Personally I want to be hit by lightning. I think that’s a cool way to […]

Posted October 25, 2013 by

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Ladies and Gentlemen !spoiler alert! you’re going to die. Maybe not right now but soon and for the rest of your life, maybe . . . that’s up for debate. If you’re lucky it’ll be quick or in your sleep. Personally I want to be hit by lightning. I think that’s a cool way to go. It’s kind of like God had to take me out himself. You could get all upset about it and lash out against the world or you could accept it because it’s going to happen no matter what. In the words of Mewtwo the hundred and fifty first, “It’s what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.” The point is you’re going to die, I’m going to die, and eventually your career as an actor is going to die. Instead of clawing at what fame you have left hoping to retain some kind of former glory it might just be best to let it go and enjoy the times you’ve had. That thought goes out to Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger the stars of the new movie Escape Plan. Also let’s talk about the new movie Escape Plan.

Credit: Lionsgate

Credit: Lionsgate

I’ll give you the short version. Stallone is a guy who is paid to go into a prison and eventually break out and thus point out all the holes in security to the warden. I’ll save you the exposition and tell you why. He was a lawyer who put guys away. One of those guys broke out and killed his family, and so he goes into the prisons to make sure this never happens again. In case you’re wondering how a lawyer is so good at breaking out of prison well they make it a point to let you know that he’s like really good at puzzles. He has a solved rubix cube on his desk and everything. The movie starts with Stallone in a prison and escaping. It’s a neat sequence, seeing him put all the pieces of his escape together and such. You meet Stallone’s team. 50 cent wearing glasses

Credit: Lionsgate

Credit: Lionsgate

and older woman who is clearly Stallone’s love interest.

Credit: Lionsgate

Credit: Lionsgate

Stallone is approached by a cia agent who wants him to break out of a special prison. It’s an illegal prison where people who are supposed to disappear would be sent. Stallone agrees because otherwise there’d be no movie, and gets sealed in. Stallone befriends Schwarzenegger and together they break out. Pretty by the numbers and that includes the surprises. Which obviously weren’t very surprising. In fact I’ll give them to you.



1) Schwarzenegger’s character is locked up for running security for a Robin Hood type hero. He’s locked up until he reveals Robin hood’s location. But surprise surprise he is the Robin Hood.


2) Schwarzenegger mentions a daughter and it’s the woman who hired Stallone for the job.


3) The job was all a ruse to break out Schwarzenegger.


The reason they’re obvious-

1) There’s actually no particular reason. It’s more my movie sense. You watch enough movies and you pick up plenty of things. Patterns emerge etceteri etcetero. It just felt like that would be the case given Schwarzenegger’s intelligence in this movie. He didn’t seem like the brawn this time. Plus once you figure out that the whole thing was set up to get him out then his entire identity is thrown into question.


2)This is obvious because an old theater rule. If you see a gun in the first act you’ll see it again in the third. There’s no sense to introducing the concept of a daughter if you don’t plan to use it in some way. But using it seems pretty pointless if the daughter was just some girl we meet at the end. So it would have to be some girl we’ve met before and since there’s only two women in this cast and one of them is too old to be Schwarzenegger daughter it must be the woman who hired Stallone for the job.


3) Schwarzenegger’s behavior is too strange. He seems overly excited to see Stallone. But they’ve never met. The woman who sent Stallone on the mission gave him his name in the prison so it seems to me like an easy connection to make that the name was a codename for Schwarzenegger’s character to hear. Schwarzenegger also places a whole lot of trust in a man he doesn’t know from Adam. Also if Stallone wasn’t sent in to break out than the CIA woman must have had some other reason. If we conclude her to be Schwarzenegger’s daughter than it’s easy enough to assume. This kind of thing is primarily guess work but you get better at guessing the more movies you watch.

Credit: Lionsgate

Credit: Lionsgate

So here we are. A movie later. Where does the movie stand? It was okay I guess. Well it was pretty ridiculous but it did have a problem I want to address. The problem is that this movie is part of a line of movies nowadays I call old man movies. Here’s the problem: Back in the old days you could make a weird dumb action movie. (Example Kindergarten Cop, this was a dumb movie. The premise is simply a cop goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher in order to snuff out a criminal by watching his family who is in witness protection. The movie is awesome not because of this concept, which isn’t bad or anything just kind of dumb, but because they went ahead and made it star Arnold Schwarzenegger. Watching Schwarzenegger handle a kindergarten class was the entire joke and it was great. Arnold carries this movie because he has that Schwarzenegger charm of his. There are plenty of body builders in the world but Schwarzenegger went ahead and turned the fact that he lifts heavy things into a very very successful career. He’s got charisma.) The point is that Hollywood has to turn to the actors of old to sell tickets. But the actors aren’t just of old, they are old. Quite so. So now there’s all these movies about old men doing young guy things. Examples The Expendables, Grudge Match, Last Vegas, Red, Wild Hogs or Old Dogs there’s probably more that’s just all I could think of. They basically make movies where the entire joke is that these guys are old.

Credit: Lionsgate

Credit: Lionsgate

There’s one last thing I want to mention. It has to do with the logic of this movie. You see the prison is an illegal prison. It’s a place where anyone can send a person they want to disappear. They of course have to pay a lot of money to keep them there. All of this begs two questions. First question why don’t they just kill their targets? You want to send a guy away for a long long time. Is it not easier to simply murder them? Like the main character. His enemy says specifically that Stallone has to be in the prison forever. Why not just shoot him in the head and be on with it? The reason given why Schwarzenegger isn’t murdered is that they want to extract information out of him. Which leads to question two.

Credit: Lionsgate

Credit: Lionsgate

Why are they so nice to the prisoners? They give them a rec time, toilets, they let them socialize, even a bed. You can schedule a meeting with the warden if you pretend to have info. I mean he beats you up for your trouble, but still. This is an illegal prison. You can do whatever you want with those people. If you want to make it escape proof then here it is. You put the prisoner into a small dark metal room. They go to the bathroom in the corner, and they can rig up a food delivery system where the prisoner never sees a guard. Make it a room with no light and they’re bound to go crazy in there too. You never let them out either. They stay in that hole until they die. And in the case of someone giving information, like Schwarzenegger, then being trapped in that room will drive them to confess. Or you can just torture the shit out of them. Not sure why they didn’t do that. Boom no one is getting out of there.


It just doesn’t make sense. They even went to the trouble of making the prison on international waters. I don’t know. It bugs me is all. Overall this movie was by the numbers and predictable. If you like Stallone and Schwarzenegger then feel free to watch it because they are on point in this one, but otherwise don’t bother. I would compare this movie to a rubix cube because no matter how many moves you make we all know what it’s going to look like in the end. Thanks for reading.


I'm like a jaguar that taught itself how to read . . . hauntingly mysterious.

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